Official, UMTAILGATE, Summer TV Guide

With the heat being almost as unbearable as waiting for the "Band to take the field" on Labor Day Weekend, I have put together a survival guide to get you through the days. All you need is an air conditioner and a channel changer. Aware that many of y'all actually chose careers that require attendance in June, July in August, I have decided to come to the rescue. With the onset of Tivo and DVRs and whatnot, most of y'all have unlimited access to view any television program that you wish. However, since I have indefinite time, I have reviewed every single thing that the boob tube has to offer and just for y'all have put together a listing that will save you time and more importantly save your brain from all the shitty offerings on the tele. First we will start with the good, top 5 things to watch until the Commodores come to town.

5. SEINFELD  I know this may seem a little tired, but true fans realize it never gets old. This cast can suck the monotony of off-season boredom a half hour at a time. It's almost on at all hours of the day on various stations and with 180 episodes to view or review, the season will be here in no time. Personal favorites include: "Kenny Rogers Roasters", "The Merv Griffin Show", and "The Puffy Shirt". (Check local listings)

4. FOX NEWS  An obvious choice here, especially with the war play by play. The crew continues to provide us with some truth in an otherwise corrupt state of television news. Note: Is it me or is Shepard Smith is way too peppy lately. Although you should never compare something as serious as war to sports, see Kellen Winslow's son, the coverage definitely gets the adrenaline pumping like a day in the big house.(Fox News is a 24 hour news station.)

3. SPIKE TV  I was as plesantly surprised as you will be when I found this hidden gem on the station formerly know as TNN. These hillbillies have a ball riding the coattails of their son/nephew. I am not going to give away the plot but if you want to laugh your way to September 2nd, tune into "Raising the Roofs"(Thursday's at 10:30.) Right before the Roofs debacle of a show is the original jackasses. "The Dudesons" (Airs at 10 PM Thursday's) Like the American "Jackass" show these Finnish idiots mutilate themselves for your viewing pleasure.

2. A&E You feel pretty pathetic when you find yourself patrolling the "Arts and Entertainment Network" until this great lineup astonishes. "Dog the Bounty Hunter" (Airs quite frequently at an abundance of times, check your local listings) is an obvious pick and even if its really not that exciting you always get to laugh at how big his wife's tits are and how long and rubber banded his sons pony tails are. The real hit on the channel is newcomer, "Driving Force", (Monday's at 9 PM, however this Saturday they are playing all the episodes thus far from 2-4 PM so you all can get caught up) this show I would never have watched considering I have never watched a NHRA drag race in my life. However the preview with his daughters snatched my eye as they looked good. Upon further review, they are really hot and this dude is crazy. Now I have only seen one episode but the guy, Force, is constantly drinking beers and f 'in up. Both of which make me think about most of my tailgating weekends. Did I mention the daughters? Although Force is my favorite, I also recommend "The First 48", (Thursday's at 8 and 9 PM and replayed at 12 AM) which is a real life C.S.I. show where they actually are looking for real murderers. Not nearly as dramatic as C.S.I., but it's real.

1. TIGER BASEBALL  Nothing takes away the feeling of missing college football like following a first place group of Tigs . From the emergence of many youngsters to the return of Dmitri, the Tigers are making this off-season/summer a great treat. If at all possible watch them charge for the banner with the volume off as most of you know the announcers are complete douche bags. The anxiety is as fierce as the fourth quarter in Ann Arbor as late leads are never safe. Much like the famous Michigan "Prevent Defense" allows the opponent back into the games, the striped cats frequently allow late inning miracles that are served up by the venerable Todd Jones. Even though they are making me smoke as many cigarettes as their old school manager, I still watch them every night. Go Tigers, and to hearken back to days of yore, Bless these Boys for making the wait for the Wolverines exciting.