Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit -- ever. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote. - Carl Spackler

Tremendous day in the Twin Cities, with a Nook lunch and a Malcom Yards takeover pregame, followed by complete domination on the field. Traveling fam was strong.

“Little Brown Jugular,” I am almost certain, is the Michigan Daily cover title from a mid-90’s housing of the Gophers. I seem to remember that the title had blood dripping down from it. Maybe it was a Halloween thing? Can’t recall. Will continue to research.

**UPDATE, FOUND! From Michigan’s 44-10 victory over the Gophers from 1996.

ANYWAY…Ben Mason is a limber acrobat (that still gets dumb penalties) in 2020. So, THINGS ARE WEIRD.

I mean, REALLY WEIRD.

FACTOID: The announced attendance of 589 fans is the smallest crowd that Michigan has played in front of in more than 100 years. pic.twitter.com/pnpW1gw1N8
— Michigan Football (@UMichFootball) October 25, 2020

It was a cold night in Minnesota. And that shitty $10 souvenir hot chocolate you’ve had at Stadium and Main? I can confirm that’s a Big Ten staple. Crappy non-functional plastic slider top, watery, lukewarm when you got it, and cold before you make the steep climb back to your seat on the precipice of a six story drop off of a metal upper deck (Spartan, Beaver, Ohio, old Ross-Ade end zone, I’m talking to you). There’s a willingness to huddle with strangers in these scenarios, hopefully they’re in Maize and Blue, though you’d probably brave the stench of the body odor and dip spit of a Buckeye-laden human windscreen if it made itself available. In the uncharted territory that is a Covid situation, with no other like-minded folks to huddle up against, those family members in attendance felt every bit of that 28 degrees whip through their bodies. Joe Milton from Pahokee apparently did not, and required nary a sleeve until he was relieved for garbage time by Cade McNamara and draped himself in a grey Nike down comforter like it was a king’s robe.

A Ranked Road Win at Night is a fantastic thing. Something you hang your hat on as a team and boast about as a fan. So first, let’s do that. Go ahead, seriously, permission granted to enjoy something in 2020. Punted once. The newly formed O-line graded roads. So many running backs we can’t decide which one we want to have the 10ypc average. New QB in his first start managed the game with poise, moved like Devin, threw like he was trying to win a radar gun contest. Blake Corum was so fast that Carrie Ann Moss called Keanu Reeves to tell him that “he moves like you do.” When Charbonnet talked me off the ledge that I was on after the first drive comedy of errors finally led to a blocked punt, it occurred to to me that I haven’t seen a Michigan running back get separation from people chasing him since, well, ever. And if you watched the game, you are probably convinced that there is more than one Michael Barrett. Dude left it all on the field.

So many touches by so many folks, it’s the proverbial (fill in any offensive skill position here) by committee. The Team the Team the Team at it’s finest, with one solid constant pitching fastballs and handing it off. No standout stats, but the football equivalent of a hoops game with every player in double figures.

In the end, it was an unapologetic 49-24 drubbing of Row the Boat, the darlings of the 2019 Big Ten season, and PJ Fleck, who I’ve heard second hand is kind of a dick. Seriously, Jerry Kill is a god-damned treasure, and he wants to punch PJ Fleck in the face. It was as impressive of an opening victory as you can find in the annals. It’s true that the story of how good Minny might be is still to be told, not unlike the 2017 Florida Gators, who is the only Michigan opponent in an opener this century that meets the not-at-home-victory-against-a-ranked-team criteria. We thought they were good too. They were not. But Saturday’s win should suffice to shut up the naysayers that think Michigan rebuilds, when in fact they reload. Sure, they reload at a 9-4 or 10-3 caliber, but that is enough to expect victory against the Minnesotas of the world, whatever the scenario.

Moving on to the Work From Home aspect of the game, the tailgate was great. Not quite the turnout I expected. Only two people, but they were enthusiastic. Pizza House catered and the feta bread was, as always, delish. I must say, I thought that watching from the couch would provide game insight that I didn’t get being in the stands. But I’m surprised to find that somehow a Michigan road crowd with mostly signal-crippled cell phones provides collective knowledge beyond what I could get on my home WiFi. I found myself scouring twitter throughout, as the broadcast left something to be desired. Herby was accused of mailing it in by many a Michigan viewer. I yelled at the screen a bit when he tried to praise Bateman when he started making catches late, not acknowledging that it was only because Dax was sidelined.

Minnesota seemed to always be floating around, seemingly on an endless drive-before-the-drive that they couldn’t quite execute, but close enough to keep our attention and dread intact for most of the game. That is until Kwity Paye went full finishing move(s), with sack dances in the general direction of a human-less abyss. THINGS ARE WEIRD.

Next week we’ll need the RichRod and Hoke era people counters to come in to tell us that the consecutive streak of 100,000 fans continues as we battle Michigan Agricultural College. Mel Tucker and friends had a little different experience over the weekend. You might have heard about it.

GO BLUE!